"What Can I Do For You?"

Until very recently, I considered myself a strong, independent woman.  I worked tirelessly both at my job and at home.  I played some, but not as much as I wish I had.

I am still pretty strong, or as Jeff calls it, stubborn.  I don't like to give in to my pain and weakness, however, I am finding if I occasionally give in, I can do more later.

I have never been good at accepting help when offered, nor have I been able to ask for help when I needed it.  I'm getting a little better.  It's even difficult for me to ask Jeff for help; and I know he loves me unconditionally and has seen me at my very worst.

I am blessed with wonderful friends.  For the most part, they seem to understand that too much activity wears me down and I have to spend a couple quiet days after "excitement".  I am frequently asked, "What can I do for you?"  This shows me the heart of my friends and they all have HUGE hearts!  Unfortunately, I usually don't know how to answer the question.  Too often, I feel as if I am imposing (even though the offer has been made).  I worry that people will find me weak or needy.  I worry that they won't like me any more if they see me in my weakness.

So, I'm dumping it all out right here.  I can't see out of my right eye, so I don't drive any more.  I can barely hear out of my left ear, so try to stay to my right.  I frequently lose my balance and stumble.  More often than not, I catch myself but some of my falls are pretty rough.  The shortest, easiest walks and bike rides tire me out to the point I need a nap.  I used to have the best memory of anyone I knew.  Now, sometimes, I can't remember what we were talking about while we are still talking about it.  Despite all this, I still need to feel  useful.  I love that Brendan keeps letting me work. 

So, when you ask what you can do for me, and I reply "nothing, I am good", I am lying about half the time.  I am working on asking for what I need, but I still have a long way to go.  Our very good friends, the Kruse family, pick me up once a week to just hang out with them.  They let me do laundry at their house and just chill as if I were one of the family.  It gets me out of here and I get to see people I really love.  They also take me grocery shopping whenever I need to go.  It was very difficult at first, but the idea came from them and was offered with such kindness and love, that it hardly hurt at all to accept.

My other good friend, George, frequently takes me out to lunch.  I love to cook, but it's nice to get out, let someone else cook and just chat.

I know that there are others with the same problem.  New mothers, shut-ins, caretakers of the ill or elderly.  They don't know how to reply to the "what can I do for you?" question.  I can't speak specifically for them, but offer to cook a meal, do their shopping, do their laundry, watch the child/parent/spouse.  It's much easier to have the conversation if you ask specifics. 

So, please don't ask me what you can do for me.  Please ask me if you can take me for a short, easy bike ride.  Ask me if you can come over and visit.  Ask me if I will bake you cookies or make you dinner.  Ask me if I want to go shopping, out for coffee or lunch.  I'm pretty good at answering the specific questions, just not the general ones.   

And sometimes, all I need is a phone call and to know that my friends are still out there.

Thanks for listening.