Until very recently, I considered myself a strong,
independent woman. I worked tirelessly
both at my job and at home. I played
some, but not as much as I wish I had.
I am still pretty strong, or as Jeff calls it,
stubborn. I don't like to give in to my
pain and weakness, however, I am finding if I occasionally give in, I can do
more later.
I have never been good at accepting help when offered, nor
have I been able to ask for help when I needed it. I'm getting a little better. It's even difficult for me to ask Jeff for
help; and I know he loves me unconditionally and has seen me at my very worst.
I am blessed with wonderful friends. For the most part, they seem to understand
that too much activity wears me down and I have to spend a couple quiet days
after "excitement". I am
frequently asked, "What can I do for you?" This shows me the heart of my friends and
they all have HUGE hearts!
Unfortunately, I usually don't know how to answer the question. Too often, I feel as if I am imposing (even
though the offer has been made). I worry
that people will find me weak or needy.
I worry that they won't like me any more if they see me in my weakness.
So, I'm dumping it all out right here. I can't see out of my right eye, so I don't
drive any more. I can barely hear out of
my left ear, so try to stay to my right.
I frequently lose my balance and stumble. More often than not, I catch myself but some
of my falls are pretty rough. The
shortest, easiest walks and bike rides tire me out to the point I need a
nap. I used to have the best memory of
anyone I knew. Now, sometimes, I can't
remember what we were talking about while we are still talking about it. Despite all this, I still need to feel useful.
I love that Brendan keeps letting me work.
So, when you ask what you can do for me, and I reply
"nothing, I am good", I am lying about half the time. I am working on asking for what I need, but I
still have a long way to go. Our very
good friends, the Kruse family, pick me up once a week to just hang out with
them. They let me do laundry at their
house and just chill as if I were one of the family. It gets me out of here and I get to see
people I really love. They also take me
grocery shopping whenever I need to go.
It was very difficult at first, but the idea came from them and was
offered with such kindness and love, that it hardly hurt at all to accept.
My other good friend, George, frequently takes me out to
lunch. I love to cook, but it's nice to
get out, let someone else cook and just chat.
I know that there are others with the same problem. New mothers, shut-ins, caretakers of the ill
or elderly. They don't know how to reply
to the "what can I do for you?" question. I can't speak specifically for them, but
offer to cook a meal, do their shopping, do their laundry, watch the
child/parent/spouse. It's much easier to
have the conversation if you ask specifics.
So, please don't ask me what you can do for me. Please ask me if you can take me for a short,
easy bike ride. Ask me if you can come
over and visit. Ask me if I will bake
you cookies or make you dinner. Ask me
if I want to go shopping, out for coffee or lunch. I'm pretty good at answering the specific
questions, just not the general ones.
And sometimes, all I need is a phone call and to know that my friends are
still out there.
Thanks for listening.
